[Other] Những Ngày Không Vui

ver219

maybe it's all in my head like they said, being good is an interesting challenge. you either learn to avoid or succumb to the constant acquisition of skills. illustrate my downfall by the drops of champagne in the evening you celebrate. lights off and the night is over. so is mine. all of it. more or less.

ver219

I stare at the blank screen for hours, wishing if I'm desperate enough, the cursor will be disgusted, heave a sigh and move on its own. When I talk about grief, I assume everyone feels the same. The constant headache, the tremendous weight on the back, the tension that you fight between ending it all or crawling out of bed another day. Maybe they don't feel like I do, maybe they do but I don't know and it doesn't really matter because when I grieve, nothing does.

When my dog died, I shed tears with difficulty of understanding why it had to be my dog. I hadn't seen him for almost a decade and only did he die that the guilt of apathy trembled upon me with all its strength. I crumbled to pieces in my bed, breathed in the non-existent fur and sobbed loudly in pity because now that he died, bits of him was no longer true. I hated seeing him in chains, but because once he ran to danger himself that he almost lost his life, my mom then always kept him in the house. He was a well-loved dog, a majestic look that everyone came to visit couldn't resist petting him. I confess I didn't love him to the point of breaking down and not be able to function but I did. Because grief doesn't wait on anyone, it picks you and you will succumb to its enthrallment.

ver219

Mei-chan texted me yesterday saying she didn't want to continue this relationship anymore. I admitted it was not an unexpected decision because I knew her too well for her to say yes. After walls and walls of texts, Mei finally succumbed to her own selfishness. Why do I call her selfish? She did this to me all the fucking time, acted all lovey-dovey then gave me such shitty attitudes for all her miseries that I wasn't even involved in to begin with. When things went rough, she scuttled back to me and asked for attention. Never once did she ask me about my day, or anything about me in particular. Mei surrounded her life with human puppets that she could emotionally manipulate to make herself better which didn't make any sense at all but she really did think like that. Why did I put up with her? Mostly for old time's sake. I actually left this relationship a few times but she kept coming back and claiming she had changed. Being a fool that I was and I am, I blindly misplaced my trust again, which was my fault not hers. I have so much memories of her, good and bad, but I won't mourn her. This one isn't worth it. I don't need your negativity and misjudgment. Bye.

ver219

I think my social anxiety stops me from joining the circle. It's equally difficult to pick up the phone and give them a text message, asking them to hang out with me. My first instinct is to blame the illness. My second instinct is to blame it all on me. Because, well, you know what they usually say, "it's all in your head". I also start to feel my ability to focus is gradually declining. For the last two days, I've been staring at the screen for hours without getting anything done. Guilt is eating me up alive.

I've finally managed to get work done at the very last minute. Everything seems sketchy at this point to be honest. I look at those words in my phone and deem the world is fucked.

I don't struggle with deadlines. I struggle with procrastination and perfectionism. I also struggle with finding the will to live.

Good talk.

ver219

I think I need to find friends. I didn't say "make friends" because I don't know how to do that. God help me. The closest thing I have as a friend right now is... hmmm... ok fine I don't have one. I know it sounds so absurd that even I myself find that fact flummoxing. At one point, I have so many people to talk to. Juggling from one conversation to the next and it takes me a whole day. Sometimes I'm so engaged to those exit routes that the enthrallment of wasting gets me staying at one point. And now I have no one at hand. No one to talk to. Isn't that wonderful.

The notion got to me on one sunny afternoon. Sun at peak, scattered clouds, and you weren't here. Desperate time, desperate time. I saved you a seat under the shades, with your favorite lemonade, half ice and a loop straw. The book I was reading stayed neatly folded with your letter hid inside. My phone rang and J said you got into a grave car accident and passed away at the scene. I looked over your seat and you weren't there. Melting ice diluted the lemonade, the sun ran away, and my life was uglier than ever.

ver219

Of all the evil things in the world laid out on the table, you decided to break my heart in the worst way possible.

Since when did I give you the idea that you can go around and tell other people lies about me? How is it in anyone's right mind to do such things? I tolerated you. I gave you multiple second chances after you lied and lied and lied to me. I had the most difficult time knowing and friending with you. How much more am I supposed to do to give you the wake-up call you need? Because I'm tired, man. I'm sick and tired of this relationship that goes nowhere. I defended you. I was there for you. I never asked for any recognition. But at least give me some respect and appreciate what I have done for you. I don't know what I'm gonna tell you next, because my patience has run out. I'm already getting ready to leave. I want to leave without saying goodbye, so you can feel what it's like getting hurt and there's no way to pick up the pieces again. Because that's what you did to me. That's what I have been enduring for all of the time I have known you. You kept going back to for the bad things while dragging me down. I thought you knew me so much better. But apparently you didn't and I don't even know who you are now. It's time to end this relationship once and for all. You have done me no good. It was all lies and betrayal. The final fuck you then we're over. Suck it up, bro.

ver219

What exactly do they want from me? Every single time their message pops up on my phone, I get this enormous pressure on my shoulders. They will either ask if I have found a job or to do something for them. This is too much don't you think? Like how long are you going to bother me and spare my life. Don't do that to me. My life is worthless. I will kill us all.

ver219

It's not about making a point. It never was. It's the fact that you disrespected me and gave me an attitude. You need to shut up, swallow your fucking pride and admit you're in the wrong. Sit down at your place and erase your stupid fucking ego. You're not a child anymore. Learn to own up to your mistakes and admit you're fucking wrong. I don't go this far to tolerate these bullshits. Please leave me alone. I've never asked for this. You f stupid bitch.

ver219

I honestly think I should throw a big tantrum and be done with it. They need to know what they've done to me and what I've gone through. I should scream at their faces and demand to be let out.

Or.

I sit still in my room and behave all nicely until all of this madness goes away. Say whatever they want to hear. Do whatever they want me to do. Follow their rules, follow their dreams. Let this flesh of mine rot and then they'll know.

ver219

(sigh)(so many things are going on right now)(I want to scream on top of my lungs)(for the world to know how devastated I am)(how I envy when I look into other people's eyes)(there is so much life in there)(so much future)(so much desire to live)(and I succumb to the fickle strife)(so much life there is)(so much love).